79

2011-12-09T01:15:00.002+08:00

i forget how much i miss this. to empty my mind onto a blank page. with total disregard for grammar. i wish you were here, but if you were i wouldn't be here. i'd be with you. with you for another empty conversation and mindless surfing. this is better.

i haven't gotten to be just myself for awhile. despite the fact that you were never here. strange really. my routine hasn't changed all that much, which goes to show how little of you there really was in my life. but like i said, its like something in my foundation has shifted. something monumental but indiscernible, like how we're tearing through the galaxy at more than 100,000km and hour but no one feels it. something like that.

i want my bedsheets back.

2011-12-08T02:57:00.003+08:00

hello again, old friend.
quiet night, the sound of two tiny goldfish hearts beating. no sound from mine, or maybe i just can't hear it anymore. death is not a singular event, but a quiet collection of heart breaks and disappointments. the band will keep playing, and it will bring hope. its okay if i can't hear them. my heart is still. one day i will wake, i promise. my heart will again beat like a bass line, and i will again be happy that i met you.

2010-10-28T12:14:00.002+08:00

quiet battle of wills,
the fact that i'm here means i lost, kinda, 2 hour nap in the afternoon, BBT, and other indulgences, all instead of what i'm supposed to be doing.
i found something new to be afraid of, because you know, its important to know what scares you, and its this, sucking at what you do. i'd like to be awesome, in this career, or the next, as long as i find it eventually. lately, people have been telling me that i haven't found myself yet. that banking is all wrong for me cause i'm not that person. whatever that person means. i'd like to take my chances, whenever i can, and wherever i can, and i think banking still sounds pretty good to be, so thank you very much, but no thanks. i gave up doctoring, and writing, and all those other noble professions, cause it turns out, i'm not that person either. and i know you're not supposed to, but i'll still say it, those can wait, and maybe its ok to just be pragmatic, rather than take your chances, even if it is considered less courageous, but i'm done being courageous. nobody talks about the flip side of the coin. yes, sometimes when you fall you fly, but sometimes, you just fall, and being afraid of that is okay. its just, okay.

2010-08-13T01:15:00.002+08:00

i'd like to move, but this place holds too many memories,
and i always have been this nauseatingly sentimental.

i had something to say , but i forgot.
oh right, something about how only how 9/10 writers are depressed (don't check the stats, i made it up, because all is such as sweeping statement)

perhaps i should say something about how life is really good right now, but boring doesn't sell. when you're a writer is way easier if you're angry or sad, funny how really happy doesn't cut it.

but if happy/boring means i have nothing to say then so be it.

its good being happy (:

2009-12-08T16:50:00.002+08:00

temporary, fleeting, pointless
i'll be home before too soon.
everything wouldn't matter,
i'll probably never see them again,
and that's okay.

i've got all that i need.

2009-11-18T06:17:00.002+08:00

rant:

i hate it when people have no basic courtesy, and usually its damn americans and their self entitled attitude. the next time i hear anybody from here criticize other countries for their human rights record, i'd like them to be more insular with their criticism - that and living in a suburb should be a violation of human rights. the next time i hear some international declare their an american and ask me WHY i am asking them if they are international i'll probably hit them. oh how i hate whitewashed blackdyed half cooked ignorants. this area is a bloody breeding ground.

its california. where are all the asians who actually like being asian?

2009-11-16T16:06:00.002+08:00

studying in the small hours of the morning when it is, quiet, soundless silence of the room, a bubble in which i reside with a book under a table lamp, highlighter at hand, trying to ignore the blinks of my screen. it is in these quiet hours that i find, i miss you. now that the ruckus of the day has been left to hang with the sun, in some suspended other daytime, elsewhere, elsewhere where you are. elsewhere which isn't here, that you really aren't here with me, despite how convincing modern day technology can be. that you and i have become no more than a two dimensional movement on a screen. add that to your almost complete inability to just tell me quite simply, that perhaps you actually do miss me, and my complete inability to take into account the number of hours we spend each day just staring at the blinking screen, and suddenly, quite suddenly our love has bled to monochrome.

well then, my monochrome love, a poem maybe to return this dull grey monotony to whence it came?

come back to me.

2009-11-14T18:43:00.003+08:00

when my love swears that she is made of truth,
i do believe her, though i know she lies,
that she might think me some untutored youth,
unlearned in the world's false subtleties.
thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
although she knows my days are past the best,
simply i credit her false-speaking tongue:
on both sides thus is simple truth suppressed.
but wherefore says she not she is unjust?
and wherefore say not that i am old?
oh, love's best habit is in seeming trust,
and age in love loves not to have years told.
therefore i lie with her and she with me,
and in our faults by lies we flattered be.

the bard, sonnet 138

2009-10-31T20:23:00.001+08:00

not talking you makes me paranoid and crazy. you suck.

2009-10-28T07:22:00.002+08:00

in between jay chou and john mayer

this

comes on.

honestly, i sometimes wonder how my brother and i are related

- that and no more sharing itunes.

2009-10-24T12:58:00.002+08:00

another collection

friends rolling cigarettes with some extra kick. it ends up looking more like a tampon than something you'd like to put in your mouth. days spent in the car, shot gun then at the back curled up in fetal position. we stopped by for spring rolls, but that was just a dream. venice beach, its endless artistic wonders. the best of america is from asia. tired. didn't managed to get much sleep last night. listened to yinghan's clock ticking from the far side of the bed against the wall. tried to steal blankets but failed. 3 in the morning till dawn. it was a pretty sunset. all nice and glowy - orange, pink, then a fire red that lifted to blue.

i dreamt you left me, and awoke to find it was true. i should run, i really should, but how far, and for how long before i boomerang back to you. its silly to kinda sit around and wait for you to break me again, right? right. all wrong with my kinds of persistence. should have just let you fall back into your well of settling. let you settle to the bottom of the deep dark water and stare up at the sky - all blue and circular - not in single star in sight. i'd be on the other side, the flip side of your coin, the dark side of the moon, intangible, unreachable. you're going to be so hard to get over.

arguements with friends that just do not need to happen. its true, you're either human or dancer. hard to pick, isn't it. needless. cowering under blankets during and thunderstorm kind of needless. four hundred spoons when all you need is a knife kind of useless. umbrella on a clear cool day. not a single corkscrew. zimbabwean money. a left sock. you.

retineration of hating homosapiens. my friends will all be some kind of animal. i'd like a ferret. we would have had a zoo, but then reality pushed its way in.

delerium nocturnum - i love my pink belgian elephants. since 1654 no less.

i should sleep.

2009-10-23T21:51:00.002+08:00

why is it just about right now, i feel like i need to run in the opposite direction as far as i can, as fast as i can?

night mares
might snare
nightmares

2009-10-13T10:02:00.002+08:00

the different facets of melancholy.

welcome to my very own fun house.

the mirrors hurt my eyes.

2009-10-13T08:08:00.003+08:00

HAHA

the responses are even funnier.

i love people who hate america. (:

2009-09-26T22:53:00.002+08:00

i've decided that this is the best way of getting rid of my frustrations. since, its not socially acceptable to yell at people because i feel like it - and i've been feeling like it a lot.

i hate people

and that statement may not be true, but its exactly what i'm feeling right now.

all people are selfish
some people more selfish than others
( funny this reads like all people are equal )

da da da dummmmm finally, a common denominator!

hermits, i understand you.
completely.
you have my empathy.

people.
a list of transgressions in my life of late.

1) aiding and abetting malicious rumours

a) people who do not get their facts right ( rather stupid people i might add who get involved in situations that are none of their business. oh right, i'm sorry i forgot you are american, and therefore believe its your job to police all things, even if you don't know head or tail of the situation. typical) i apologize for being surprised.
b) just outright unforgivable complete lack of self control. i should stop talking to people who have an inability to keep their big mouth shut.

2) not wearing pants to go to sleep (you should ask me this one is really entertaining)

3) breaking/ hang on wait no/ doing the exact opposite of what was promised

4) sheer ignorance and stupidity. it really is true, the only cure is death. if you don't know what you're talking about please just don't speak. its not necessary to add to the body count of intelligence.

5) the next person who invades my personal space on the dance floor will be destroyed

a) ala the hapless male who decided to pour his drink on me and to "make light of the situation" say its my fault. this kind of behavior will be dealt with swiftly. in this case it was simply pouring the drink over his head. if the first time was my fault, this time it was most definitely his.

people should learn not to mess with me. especially now, because my patience is non-existent.

2009-09-22T00:19:00.002+08:00

hope found through an unlikely connection. gratitude from relations past, there are some who have the ability to love. it's rare and most times fleeting, but I would rather believe it exists and get hurt trying to find it then never have the opportunity to experience it first hand. I feel like I have changed, and hopefully this time, it's for the better.

2009-09-18T07:06:00.006+08:00

2009-09-03T14:05:00.001+08:00

sam's leaving.

2009-09-02T14:35:00.007+08:00

exhaustion creeps like too much mead through my veins.
my senses are dull,
my actions sluggish.
my mind,
my mind is a million miles behind.
the LA sprawl,
in and out the streets run,
the shops stare
at the masked people that live there.

this city is, not home
and yet there is a
sense of kindred
i have loved ones here.
i have love ones that have grown to love this place
and i stop to think,
just for a little while
if they can
then it couldn't hurt to try for now.

-

天黑人静
你不在我身边
我想北京
我想麻辣烫
我想肉肉
我想再跟你到处散步
我想我想我
想你

2009-08-06T09:19:00.000+08:00

more than ever, i don't want to leave.

2009-07-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

so i can't really sleep because i feel if i do then beijing will just slip through my fingers and disappear. beijing is so damn awesome i have no words. i want to live here. i want a scooter. i think my teacher is awesome. i get to see beijing. i get to get credits. i live in a reallyREALLYreally nice apartment. there is good food everywhere. almost everything is within budget. i can never live in america again. i'm going to probably implode when i get back. no scratch that i'm just going to come back to beijing. yes beijing is dirty, some toilets are ridiculous, but i've figured out how to squat (yay me), people can be rude, drivers are insane, but somehow its all okay. did i mention i love beijing, and they sell i heart BJ tshirts which just entertains me - that and chinglish. ally bought one that said "jumping on streams of people, escope for herell" bai2cai4 is somehow called "fried rape", we should all not step on grass because its "smiling at you". i'm in love. i don't want to leave.

2009-06-05T19:55:00.002+08:00

dustball (:
creep

2009-05-14T17:22:00.002+08:00

i'm doneeee. DONE. (:

crashing on the couch in the library with a hoodie pulled over my eyes and a sweater covering my feet is something i'm not planning on doing again anytime soon. arndt should have asked us about ricardian equivalence. i feel cheated.

i spent 5 seconds dancing around my room like a maniac, air pumped and mouthed 'i'm done' to people i passed, cycled down to the village to get celebratory guinness, and watched rules of attraction.

a good day, a first in awhile. (:

2009-05-14T17:16:00.003+08:00

being this beautiful should be illegal

2009-05-14T15:58:00.002+08:00

by far the most messed up movie i've seen.

2009-05-06T02:31:00.002+08:00

dreams, reality, i sometimes think i can't tell the difference anymore. you know the moments were you're dreaming but it feels so real , like when in your head somebody is explaining an accounting problem from class except that its not quite the right concept and your head hurts a little because the person explaining is actually in your government class, and that makes no sense because you dropped your government class 2 months ago.

just like that. that's where my head is at.

-

i have no more constraints, no more control. i just want to let it all go, and this time no opting out. i have to get through this and go home.

2009-04-06T13:54:00.001+08:00

omg

2009-04-06T09:47:00.003+08:00

the weekend was a good one. there was poker, prawn mee, and friends. (:

its been more difficult to translate thoughts into words for a good period of time now. i've been struggling but the fact that i am back here and trying to say something means that things are getting better. i haven't been myself lately, but i'm working on it. j version 3.0 coming back right up.

2009-03-08T14:47:00.003+08:00

so write you said, and i do because i'm so obedient that way, and i'm glad that i've met you because, like i said - i haven't met anyone that has felt that much like home in awhile - even if i don't exactly don't know what that means. and i know you'll be there for me, which is awesome, and i can't say i've been able to say this about anyone in a long time because distance and time and space are rascals. and i know that one for their favorite games is tag you're it, but i know when i'm not looking it plays more like hide and seek, because i've stopped looking for just one second and everybody is gone, and i haven't realized who just yet. its just this missing i do, and something is missing, and i haven't quite put my finger on it, but i'm glad you're here, and you keep me sane.

2009-02-24T15:32:00.002+08:00

that i would find a lightning bolt at the bottom of my coffee mug and with just the right kind of anxiety transform dread into delirium. yes, the manic side of depressive is back and even if insomnia were to become my best friend, i don't think 'd let her go.

2009-02-14T16:03:00.001+08:00

capture my imagination, will you, please?

2009-01-23T18:23:00.003+08:00

i'm in the mood for spontaneous. i'm in the mood for moderate madness, for unbridled honesty, for simplicity. i'm in the mood for a Guinness with a friend that comes with an instant connection 3-in-1 mix. (honesty, strange, gaiman) i miss you my dear friend, my fellow conspirator, my chiral deviant. we were going to rule the world, but we got lost in the details. i'd call you right now but its 4:31 am. small hour morning, not okay.

i want to regress, so i will, and i will try to stop calling them children (it comes with the part about regressing, a pre-requsite as you will, and it is just about as appetizing to me as having to give up brie) i suppose that also means i have to start taking a real interest in them kids, sorry, peers.

peers, piers, pierce.

and thank god i'm finally tired enough to sleep.

2009-01-23T17:02:00.004+08:00

i suppose only damien is allowed to be this devastatingly depressive.

2009-01-14T23:09:00.002+08:00

so i know i'll call you when you're having another one of your identity crises, and i'll help you join the missing dots. you'll tell me how you're goin to make it big this time, and i'll say yeah, right, and you'd say, no really, this times the one. i can feel it. it'll be over the phone, not coffee, because there's hardly any time - that snakey bastard, but i'd say ts not entirely his fault, because i'm just about 8774 miles away, which is 14120.384256000001 kilometers, and so its not really your fault we can't meet up. i'd say something, like you know, if you reallllllly loved me, you'd be in a boat crossing the sea, but we both know that you'd probably end up in Africa instead of America, so you wouldn't, and since teleportations hasn't quite been invented yet, even though i heard a rumor ( no i swear) when i was in an irish pub down by tanjong pagar that we've almost got it except that they keep jumbling people up with the insides or sending them off in all the wrong places, so i can't make you zap here. we'd just sit it out, and wait for time to pass by dragging his feet, and it take awhile, but i'll be back, and you'd change, like you always do, and i'd just have to be content with that, because you're home anyway.

-

2009-01-12T00:18:00.001+08:00

i know i'm leaving soon when..

my brother starts hugging me for no reason.

so cute, that one (:

2009-01-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

yeah yeah they're out masquerading.
she trying to be you trying to be him trying to be me trying to be you,
except not really you,
just your chiral deviant,
your horizontal planar image,
your dark reflection.
we'd spin around, you and me,
white and black, till there are monochromatic explosions
in your head of heads, each one like a stroke,
like bloodied fireworks
and it just be like it used to be
fire and ice
ecstasy and agony
and then
nothing
we'd be demon masked and out parading.

2009-01-09T22:49:00.004+08:00

no really, i'm more awake when i'm asleep - i have the energy level of a tranquilized sloth.

meandering through loose thoughts and erratic notions of idealism, i sit, and can't get up, and yes the irony of mass > inertia hasn't eluded me, because i know that would just mean i'm moving in the opposite direction, but its true, i'm sinking into the chair.

magic must be thin in the air, because i can barely breathe.

art fringes,
art fringes
anybody? (:
-

dream catch me when i fall, or else i won't come back at all

2009-01-04T22:59:00.003+08:00

so as much as its "not very nice" to say whoops at random times when i cut my brother's hair, its just a little too much fun to stop. (:

-

if fear was a color it would be violet; and that was exactly the color of her eyes when she walked in. her clothes were all ripped and her face streaked with dirt. "i tripped while crossing a minefield of you" she said, before dream and reality distorted and she was standing at the edge of his bed, and then a single thought formed in his mind: no. before he was awake, and she was long gone.

-

i tried to find you, i swear, but you just weren't there. i looked under my bed and in my closet, your usual hangouts. i know you like those dark spaces where your friends come out to play, but nothing. it was as if you had just vanished, and its not possible because i created you, you were and still are very much a part of my imagination, so tell me how did this happen, because i'm sitting here thinking my brains out, and i'm imagining you that little spin top hat you wanted so bad last christmas when you saw that calvin got one in his cereal box, but imagining you, nothing. not even a shadow. how come i can't find you anymore?

-

the king of oranges parades his crown of thorns in the backyard of his mother's house. he's got a ski pole for a sword, and a garbage lid for a shield, and he's thinking i'll never survive in Afghanistan.

2009-01-03T00:04:00.004+08:00

i find myself at the beach in the small hours of the morning. the waves lap limply at my feet. the princess is three feet behind me in her tory burches, and even then adamant about keeping them on. well, its her loss. we walk and sing lyrics distorted by memory and other random snatches of old songs. the palm tress in the distance are two dimensional silhouettes - a static undeveloped shade of itself in the darkness. i remember being in indonesia looking back on our island and thinking, godd we're so bright we blot out the stars. it doesn't feel so much like that when you're standing right in the middle of it. i guess that's just it though, perspective. we don't say much and just continue walking. the sky behind us back lit by the city lights.

2009-01-01T15:31:00.002+08:00

i have watched snails crawl at a faster speeds. h.ow. is. my. in.ter.net. soooo. s.lo.oow.

2009-01-01T03:56:00.002+08:00

ohhh dear. COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED. (:

last guinness /kilkennys /scarlet hotel sneak-in / insipid movie of the year

first insipid movie of the year /kebab /crazy cab war / attempt to ride a trishaw

kudos to spontaneity and random walks and GAH to bad judgements (count 4) despite the throng of insanity, despite the stupid movie (raz), despite the ridiculously priced kebab (10 bucks wtf), despite eating my weight in food (thanks jx), nye was a blast in all its legitirishpubguinnessscreeningroomannsiang glory.

a start of a good year.
out with the old, in with the new.

2008-12-28T11:35:00.003+08:00

oh that explains everythinggg. stupid youtube and its "this video is not available in your country" policy.

2008-12-28T00:29:00.002+08:00

blast cramped airline seats, delays, and perpetually change in singapore.

you never lose that feeling of dislocation. dismemebered limbs, phantom pain - and other bad analogies that don't quite make sense if you seriously think about it for awhile. today happiness was a sneaky bitch. she cast a spell that lasted probably all of 20 minutes while i realized how awesome it was for everybody that i've seen pretty much every saturday for most of my life be back in the same place again, but then now i'm just feeling inertia brought on by the full effects of gravity and physical inaction. damn vicious cycles, mood swings, and travelling.

ann siang was become a construction site, and a traffic artery. wtf. what happened to peace and tranquility? and of course, patissere had to be closed. no mango passion fruit meringue, no love.

2008-12-16T09:51:00.003+08:00

they somehow managed to tumble into war, he said, through stupidity, individual idiosyncrasy, misunderstandings, and personal complexes of inferiority and grandeur. - Tuchmans' Guns of August

2008-12-10T15:13:00.002+08:00

write a book entitled: the violent drownings of mr t. bagg and other stories.

2008-12-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

2008-12-10T07:20:00.003+08:00

stolen moments, alone, i fill up and spread up and outwards. i fill the space: every nook and crevice and corner, over, under, in between. my space. i stop worrying, stop thinking, stop everything, and breathe. its just me and nouvelle vague this very fine afternoon.

2008-12-08T06:17:00.001+08:00

that i would probably love you for the rest of my life.

2008-12-03T04:52:00.003+08:00

i have decided that stephenie meyers - fail, that i do not like romance novels, that somebody needs to step up to the plate and at least give gaiman some sort of competition. its ridiculous, the drivel the passed for stories these days. damn my need for completion - thank god for wikipedia summaries, and guilty concessions to made-up rules.

2008-12-02T14:12:00.002+08:00

in the beginning there was need that came from a void in an old soul. the need was prickly like a cactus, and petulant like a two year old leaving a candy store empty handed. it came into existence from nowhere (which is to say the void) and nowhere was a place, usually, when it was necessary for it to be place. when it wasn't a place, it was a plane of existence, at other times an abstract concept. the void was, in the beginning, perturbed. it did wonder how it was possible that it had brought forth such a creature - one so.. needy. the void being, well, empty, had nothing to give the need. the need in turn, whined and howled and cried with all the want in could master and then fell silent, much to the fleeting confusion of the void, which has quickly replaced by a quiet amusement. the need grew up a silent implosion, all passive aggressive anger and suppressed fury, and when it was just a little bit older, left, to explore the big wide that was the infinity. when it turn 23, had its feelings broken, and that was the last straw. it imploded upon itself, like a star, and became a black hole, and that was what it remained, satisfied, because that was what i was meant to have been. sitting in the middle of the universe, sucking up everything that passed by.

2008-12-01T13:41:00.001+08:00

vampire sucked my mind away.

2008-11-20T14:44:00.004+08:00

neil gaiman, bless his soul

(click)

2008-11-18T05:36:00.002+08:00

homework is like a tent in a tropical storm; you have to keep trying to peg it down or everything is lost in the wind. the days have sprouted b52 bomber wings and tearing through the atmosphere now. i'm not sure where the semester went, kinda of like how i'm not sure how i manage to breathe and my room is messy again. i've been much better this year, all thanks to my OCD (neat) roommate. its for the best really - i clean , she organizes - together we're in for top prize at the super homemaker 2009. wait till you see our costume. red spandex ( we wear our capes in the front as aprons). enough said. (:

2008-11-18T05:33:00.002+08:00

california burningg

2008-11-13T08:17:00.005+08:00

ginger tea in a paper cup stirred with a plastic knife. mee goreng made in borrowed boilers. milo breakfast, lunch, and dinner. midol in double packs. hot water bottles on constant recharge. incapacitation. fitful sleep, awake to stare at the unblinking computer monitor in the small hours, with delirium on my right and destruction on my left, i read past entries until my mind buckles from physical exhaustion. caffeine is spelled with two 'f's and two 'e's and a one way guarantee on the roller coaster of passive aggressive anxiety. and the pain is just.. validation for a hysterectomy.

2008-11-13T01:19:00.002+08:00

being in this much physical pain is most definitely unethical.

2008-11-11T15:48:00.003+08:00

an illicit guinness or two is just.. pristine.
guinness is godsent.
guinness puts to awe in awesome.
guinness is like all the vitamins and nutrients in one tall dark and handsome glass of wonderful.
guinness never pales on comparison to ale.
if brutus had guinness and popeye had spinach, brutus would win.
everyday is a lovely day for guinness

-

how do you not love somebody who misses you when you're gone, even if she insists on calling while you're asleep (:

2008-11-10T14:43:00.005+08:00

!!! x 1000 (:

vegas was scary zumanity beast growling, tao's terracotta soldiers, bouchon's glorious frech toast, japanese buffet, nipple mountain spotting, 1/2 shot wonders, cup smuggling, singapura conversing with bottega staff to escape tory burch shopping, alien jerk ranch spotting while frantically failing to capture pictures of flying saucers, unplanned girl band attire, 500 pictures, laughter, and an all round reminder of how awesome we are when we're together. (:

-

basically, an awesome weekend.

2008-11-05T12:57:00.003+08:00

polls are not quite in yet, but YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!

old baldy didn't win
AND i don't have to take the first flight back home to Singapore. (: (:

2008-11-05T02:05:00.003+08:00

coincidences like how i've had that song on loop for the past week - almost make me wish we were talking again - but we're long past that aren't we. past dictates we've just about another lifetime to go.

2008-11-04T08:33:00.000+08:00

awesome (:

2008-10-29T14:19:00.000+08:00

in that kinda mood.

2008-10-29T03:08:00.004+08:00

strange

2008-10-27T06:59:00.006+08:00

dying down of initials, of post-arrival newness, and of similarities distilled from conversations and circumstances. puzzling, this ability for everything to become normal for everything to cover themselves in layers of moss, of dust. a conversation, over the sound of leeholm's cringe-worthy accented singing, of binge-drinking induced uninhibition and euphoria. its nice to find yourself preferential, at the end of it all, of the tint rather than the shade of moral grays. its nice to know that there are people who share your disgruntled status quo with the party scene. nice to know that there are those who still revel in gastronomical delights and are dedicated enough to go miles to find it. nice to believe in possibilities. nice to discover at the end of a long drawn out stalemate that misplaced beliefs are always misplaced. nice is such an unimaginative word, but fitting for my current state of pixelated pragmatism. 100 points for boring myself into rationality. 10 more of i can convince myself to go to the gym.

2008-10-26T16:54:00.004+08:00

your words are as glaring and as pointless as crushed beer cans by the shore.

-

you must have, then, at least for awhile.

2008-10-25T11:12:00.004+08:00

fall break/ LA was:

a) quality time with the sisters, three, and clemmy
b) discovering that steph and i are basically the same person, with minor differences.
c) multiple shopping trips and limited buying (how it should be)
d) ridiculously good food - komasa, freische, that brunch place (!!!!!) - and i say this because now everything in the dining halls is inedible.
e) empowering 5 minute walks to centurycity. no really it made me VERY happy.
f) cookie and pepsi, which have no purpose but to be adorable
g) STAR WARS MARATHON (!!)
h) everyday, pinkberry (!!!)
i) stationery shopping (!)
j) going back to cmc ( -!!) but going back to my bed (!!)

-

if it were my place, i would tell you exactly what you needed to change to stop perpetuating the situtation you're in right now. it really is the simplest thing you could possibly do - but then what do i know right - i'm not you, i don't know what it is like to be you - even if more than half of my life is a decent time frame of observation. try to make plans and change. easier said then done, but i never said it was the easiest thing, only the simplest, most straightforward. trust me, there is no comparison between the epiphany and the necessary effort needed to ge there. it is all worth it. i would tell you that you're special - and i know that you know you are, but i don't think your idea of special is the same idea of special i have of you. its not something i can articualte, anyhow. you just need structure, and you need to start believing that intelligence and being model material isn't all that its cracked up to be because i know you have both. its the hard work, the sweat and tears that counts in the end, because it is the only thing in your control.

-

i'd meet you millennium into the past at the edge of the world, just where the flying dutchmans and the lucky maidens of that time were falling off into the great abyss of nothing, when people believed the cure for the common cold was a decapitated chicken at the head of your bed, when honor was important enough to die for. no, that's right, the edge of the world, the 90 degree doorway to nothingness, it exists, you see, because people believed it did, but then we started meddling with science and inventing rules and structure, and that we went and decided that the earth was really round and not flat and thay's how it became. i'd talk about the future then, the present today, and i'd tell you that it doesn't get better, it doesn't get worse, and that fundametal belief most people have that things keep improving is false. all we managed to do is atomize not individualize and that nobody believes in love, friendship, or beliefs worth dying for anymore, except the fundamentalists, of course. science bring us fun things though, like the internet, genetic drugs, hybrid fruits like the grapple; but at the end its a zero sum game, with science and technology, really. i'd watch you shrug and wonder why this is important or even, necessary, because you're right, it isn't, really.

-

2008-10-23T22:33:00.002+08:00

growing wolf fangs to bite people. freaking out behind the wheel because i don't have a license. waking up eyes ablaze, heart pounding. to destroy nightmares, you open your eyes.

2008-10-15T16:09:00.004+08:00

a thorough purge. the room is spotless. also blank, devoid of character, but clean nonetheless. whittling away the unnecessary, the excess, the fat, the sheer indulgence - ok maybe i'll keep some of that. space to breathe; a floor to walk on, then its time to study. all of tomorrow, and attempt to through the night. order, diligence, persistence, misplaced punctuation nonwithstading, i could get used to that. in with the boring.

-

you give up too easily.

2008-10-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

old stories

lets make memories from stuff and nonsense; travel to world with scarcely more than the clothes on our backs; cause havoc in london and paris because we can, pull turbans off sheiks in baharain; run helter skelter across roof tops in spain; and stumble drunk and stupid from bar celona, and talk to strangers always; because we have finally learnt to be young and foolish.

-

elephants in purple leotards and pink tutus running around a red and yellow striped tent. clowns on stilts blowing fire. bears scratching each others eyes out. the ring master, short with a belly like a pot and a booming voice. beautiful girls in flamingo feathers, the whirlwind, the noise of chips undecked, and just like that we've landed in vegas.

-

silly things that get you through like how the airline blanket matches your neck pillow.

-

so what if the three camps of materialists, dualists, and idealists were all wrong and really that asumption of egalitarianism was false. what if the spirit was genetic and some people were recyclable and others were just, not. what if God decided to be lazy and decided to recycle piecesof you - wait, he does. what if you got exactly what you believed in that is to say if you believed in an afterlife, there was, and if you believed in the finality of death, then that was it. irony really, getting what you wanted. what if the brain in a vat theory were true and we really were living ala matrix and reality was just a very good computer program would it mean any less that you hurt because of a mad scientist pressing switches to electrify your brain? do animals have fractions of souls? if you put a white elephant and a black elephant in the same room and switched off the lights, would they really both be black? how many colors does it take to discern the depth of your eyes? when the world does finally end and everything comes to naught would you be able to say yes, i gave it all, no regrets? there will never be world peace, but does that mean that you should stop believing in it? how manu dark heavens does it take to make a bright hell? how do you live with yourself when you have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, are continually bored, when the there are other people in the world wanting to have what you have? how many times does it have to hurt for you realize you should stop doing it again? how many words does it take to articulate the complexity of our imagined reality? where can you buy fortitude? how much courage does it take, measured in mililiters, to fill up a cupped handful of an apology to make it mean something? what does the word disability smell like? how do you know that goldfish don't really fly through water, as opposed to wiggling? how much ice does it take to thaw your soul?

-

2008-10-13T16:42:00.003+08:00

my delusions and dreams are steeped in anxiety and inaction.

-

of mindless thoughts, thoughtless minds wafting through the corridors. verbal emptiness; it rings in my ears, the void, the silence, the absence of substance. i watch the ephemeral mayflies dancing warm footed cold hearted dancing. fleeting, beautiful, tragic in their pointlessness. point. less. nestle. more. or. less. have. given. up.

-

the man from the bank tells us stories of rags to riches, of passions and compromise. he shows us the futures and then says, you chose, and we do. choose passion and ambition but not both. they don't manufacture those anymore. you've got to make it yourself. how? we beg, and he says, ahhh that is for you to find out. i can't give everything away now can i.

-

thoughts of daikon and fish and the necessity of juxtaposition.

-

always, you seige occupations of my mind, overtake, overthrow, i give in always, you.

2008-10-11T02:26:00.003+08:00

because if you're trying to make me miserable, congrats! its working. that was your every intention now, wasn't it. feel better about yourself yet?

2008-10-09T04:27:00.002+08:00

its time to turn on perfectionist mode, even if it also means bitchy, esteem destruction, and insanity.

2008-10-07T01:24:00.003+08:00

choose not ignorance, sometimes.
its hard to justify your love for a home that you scarcely know.

2008-10-04T16:44:00.002+08:00

thinking about group behavior, factions, and situations. tedious. i think people who read me - which is really not many - lets just say i feel sorry for them. i figure though that if they do still then they must be a masochistic as i am. i'm missing an element of real here in school as it always is. there is this uprooting, this detachment from reality that basically means that i free float. i don't feel like free floating. i'm hitting that point where i feel like conversations are contrived, people are contrived and the whole place is just stale. everybody is the same. its a abd record playing over and over and over again. lets also say that i really need to bitch and this is all not really true, but it goddamn does feel this way right now. i fall prey to mind cringing cliches. i perpetuate mind cringing cliches. i'm also missing. just missing nobody in particular, just a general missing of the romanticized idea of home and the night time freedom of singapore. i miss cause, effect, and consequences. i miss me. i don't feel like the same person. i also can't shake off the feeling that i am old. everybody is a child here and some conversations really make me want to laugh in the face of the open mouth self-styled conversationalist (who usually won't shut up and/or thinks he/she is the funniest person on the planet - usually both). not a fan of topic choice either. alcohol, alcohol, fake id, getting wasted, hooking up. nobody is really listening. not being shallow has its draw backs. i wish i could just regress and join in but its so banal. my entire body resists. oh daryl, where are you when i neeed you? ):

2008-10-04T12:46:00.003+08:00

bad dreams bad dreams. cyclical rhythmic destruction of my will. slowly slowly eroding away at my self-esteem. eating away at my nerves like a million little ants devouring a caterpillar. bad dreams, wide-eyed and eternal waking because my dreams are dark corridors. cold sweating in the hours after midnight. nocturne terrors; dreams of daylight. forgetting, panic, insanity - old friends of mine.

-

the night mare runs. i stole that of course, just the last bit. stole it, stole your essence and wore it like a mask. perfect fit. too perfect - how it was all so easy to slip. slip into the kind of person i used to hate. my soul is fractured just like your morals are fractured. the difference is you are not oblivious. you wear that smile and try to fool everybody. you fooled me - but then your perfect facade being to crack and i got a good look inside. i didn't like what i saw. daddy issues, mummy issues, personal space issues, insecurities like a buzzing beehive, knowledge to feed your superiority complex . it gets old very quickly. i never liked you, but i do perhaps owe you some thanks. you were the first person who got under my skin. we were so different. you hurt my head because try as i did, i couldn't put you anywhere. nowadays, my head hurts all the time, but its okay because you were the first one to break it in.

-

sometimes, i feel like i need you.

2008-10-01T13:27:00.001+08:00

Ambition's antithesis; like realizing how small and insignificant you are; like recognizing that nobody takes Singapore or Southeast Asia seriously; like how somebody as decorated as this:

" D.S. Song-Korea Foundation chair and director of Asian Studies, Georgetown University; Freeman Foundation visiting professor of Asian Affairs, CMC; author, forthcoming Beyond the Final Score: The Politics of Sport in Asia (2008) and co-author, Nuclear North Korea: A Debate on Engagement Strategies (2005); "The Future of America's Preeminence in Asia"

would think that the most important thing about Southeast Asia was that codi rice should, you know, turn up for the meetings discussing AIDS packages to Vietnam and economics concessions to Indonesia.

how i get so angry sometimes
because we are held captive by size; because there is no sense of possibility for change; because people feel powerless and hence apathetic and indifferent; because different areas of knowledge are seen on a hierarchy and not a horizontal plane; because nobody dreams anymore.

i say we invade trulyasia, throw dumno out of power, continue north to trannyland, make still severely tarumatized genocidal countries cede, take over saigon and form a Singapore colony. i say we could probably do in the scattered islands too.

-

its no wonder we have an inferiority complex.

-

do you think things will change in our lifetime?

-

dreaming about teleportation possibilities, contemplating world domination, being jaded with reality, wondering how much money i have to spend to fill the voids in my life, recognizing that discipline is a skill i have to acquire, imagining that almost anything is possible.

OCD induced delusions of grandeur are not beyond me.

2008-09-30T16:00:00.001+08:00

really unnecessary asian remarks. it'll be more than just fireworks when i finally snap, i promise.

2008-09-22T04:53:00.004+08:00

we were talking about relationships. there was this mutual friend couple who have had been together for some 6 years now, and how it was pretty damn impressive - and it is. so then i being me had to start some pseudo philosophical half serious conversation on love and life. so we talked about all those hypothetical scenario questions that you ask like: could you possibly break up with somebody after 10 years of being together if you weren't in the love with the person anymore? blah depressing conversation, yes my fault i know. but there is a happy twist!

7 going on 8 years, come on. you've got to admit we're pretty damn impressive.

2008-09-17T08:27:00.001+08:00

no honestly, are you really necessary? do you EVER. stop. talking?

2008-09-16T05:38:00.004+08:00

inconclusive; like the post above, like dejavu in flashes, like sudden death. another one, yes, another one. train wreck this time - freight train + passenger train + head on collision = questions and a void for those that knew him. i didn't, but that plus one professor turning up ( or rather NOT turning up ) is just, wow, a little over the top. so actually when i said another one, i really meant another two. if you're wondering, i'm fine, but people around me aren't and its getting slightly tedious because there just have been too many deaths lately. memorial service for atul class of '09 is on thursday, so no philo on thursday. i won't be taking attendence or anything but there are buses going down if you don't have a car, but why would i say bye to somebody i've never met? even though i feel like going to say something like, hey everybody's been telling me how awesome you were and i feel like i probably would have liked you, cos you know we're all one big asian community, but no really. i don't. enough goodbyes,

2008-09-11T13:45:00.003+08:00

tell me about the last time you tried, and i think i'd be probably around the same time i was resting my chin on the hand rail in that lift at the regeant looking out into the water fountain below - amused - because the splashies were amusing, until of course the lift began to move with a jerk, and my tooth fell out. the last time you tried, i was probably six, and you were probably already bitter, because i don't know, you didn't get that sewing machine you really wanted for Christmas, or because daddy missed your birthday again, or because mummy was always telling you how you just weren't as pretty as your brother was, and still is btw. (:

2008-09-09T12:20:00.002+08:00

talked to the best friend today. he is a silly boy, but i love him anyway. i've been better at calling (slightly) although i must say that AT &T has been giving me issues with msg receiving. so if i didn't reply you, i probably didn't get it, but i t should be fixed by tomorrow.

i have a tonne of reading due to a completely unacademic weekend, which i am not proud of. i'm contemplating taking spanish pass/fail. sexy language isn't so sexy if its a B- grade on my GPA. vocbulary(!)/ conjugation (!!). aiyar. aiyarrrrr.

courses this semester:

Intermediate Microeconomics 101
Philosophy 30
Governement 20
Spanish 01

sounds doable, yes? :)

2008-08-28T12:43:00.002+08:00

grateful, like very - to the point of retardedness - sitting in professor massoud's office close to tears because he had just given us one of those rousing i-know-being-away-from-home-is-hard-speeches and proceeded to give us his office, house, and cellphone number. telling us we should call. it doesn't matter what time of day or night because he wants to be there for us. grateful, because there was nothing like this in colby, not even close.

first semester homesick as goldfish swimming in ether i walk to professor mazzeo's office to see her about an english paper. she knows, because she tells me how first anythings are always hard and it takes a year to get used to being away then stiffly gives me a hug and send me on my way. okay so she's english (she did give me a hug), and she did write me that awesome reference letter, and she is a fantastic teacher, but warm just isn't one of the qualities i'd attribute to her. i don't blame her either way. home for her is cali and what do you expect from somebody stuck in friggin antartica? retarded because i hardly know this professor massoud, but he's warm like mittens, and i think he's awesome already.

-

i'm happy, very tentatively happy. (:

2008-08-25T07:15:00.002+08:00

okay 35 degree weather in LA, seriously. SERIOUSLY?

i supposed compared to winter in maine.. I'M LOVING IT. although i get the feeling i'm going to wrinkle like some old crone in the next 3 years. yes, moisturizer, and you should trust baz luhrman on the sunscreen. i can feel my skin cells mutating. the cloudless blue skies and the naked sun make for one big convection oven. so i forget California is really a desert.

shopping at montclair is !
in and out is !!!
claremont mckenna is !!!!
claremont's proximity to montclair is !!!!!!!

happy, like i never thought was possible. (once i get my bicycle, fridge, and microwave)
this is the way college was supposed to be. (:

2008-08-20T14:42:00.001+08:00

matricide sometimes, like now.

2008-08-20T13:21:00.009+08:00

choice of ingredients for the blender today:
kiwis
peaches
yakult
cranberry/grapefruit juice

makes for a very tart drink which is precisely the taste on my metaphorical tongue. you smell like a memory . a bittersweet transient memory like sweet dew at dawn. it came from nowhere and assaulted my 4 am sleep deprived mind. i barely remember who or what anymore just the feelings behind it; like how the other day watsons registered with an ! and couldn't figure out why until i had left the building and realized i was supposed to have bought moisturizer. a completely unsexy analogy, but that was what it felt like; and no, there hasn't been a moisturizer-type realization yet. it musn't have been very important then.

-

heart + wrench + spanner + screw driver + nuts+ bolts = ?

it wrenched your heart
spanned too long, perhaps
screwed with your mind
drove you nuts
so bolt, you did

wallowing poetry is so secondary school.

-

omgomgomg
so cuteeeee
elmo is just.. adorable. ( he totally says ya, bitch at 1:46)

the wonder doesn't cease.

my dreams are triangular...must be the hypotenuse. omg.

i am getting carried away.

2008-08-19T01:18:00.002+08:00

all out of stories.

2008-08-17T16:39:00.001+08:00

so apparently i get the crazy from the rest of mum's family. mum being the most "normal" of the lot. niccccceeeee. genetics is fun (:

2008-08-16T16:27:00.005+08:00

its ridiculous how much irony you find in photos.

so ironic, how they mean nothing in that moment but become everything when they are all you have left.
leaver's week; i skipped it in its entirety, to study for yet another measurement of my intellectual worth. sometimes, you decide you don't have the time to participate. sometimes, you decide its not worth the effort. sometimes you think, hey, its not really that important; but really, one shot only. don't miss out the whole time.

as it always is, it takes something this big, like somebody migrating to the next dimension for you to realize, but i guess better late then never, and maybe, that is how its supposed to be. you give meaning to situations through what you take away from it, because otherwise, its just pointless lost. i know, tell that to your mum, and i can't. i'm sorry for blistering unfairness and for ruthless circumstances, and i do wish that the world tried to be reasonable, but i do know that even though i like to think that i am in control, i am barely hanging on.

we weren't even that close. i just saw you every morning during tutor group with wooly, and i'd be too grumpy and standoffish to be talking, but watching you mess around with tuts and getting into mock wrestling sessions never failed to make me smile. when i felt more friendly i'd talk to you, like i am doing now - never anything important, really, just talk school work, gossip or i'd sit on your lap because you were just like one big teddy bear arm chair.

i think it was kim that told me online when i was away. i didn't believe her of course, but then i did, eventually, when proof was irrefutable. i spent the next few days wondering why i was feeling that empty; like i said, we weren't close. half of me was glad we weren't because it would have meant feeling a lot worse, and the other half wished we had talked more because you were one of the nicer ones in a school known for its superior superficiality manufacturing ability.

you left two days before my 20th, and i guess i begrudgingly admit its cool to be forever 19 because i think that is what you'd say anyway if you were still here, and if you were, you'd still quote people half seriously on facebook with a penciled in btw like: "dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow"- James Dean, this one's my new life motto. a classic, really. it is so true that there is nothing new left to say, just different words that recycle old sayings. so i think its okay, just this once, to fall prey to mind cringing cliches like the one above, because i have just about run out of words.

2008-08-16T16:05:00.002+08:00

feelings; on remote control, but not the least bit controllable. (ref: rives)

2008-08-16T15:31:00.002+08:00

niccccceee one, you. i should learn my lesson, really, and not read up on you on the internet even though its the only i know what is going on in your life, because you have so persisted to write me out of your life and off completely. what still bugs me is that it was too easy for you; machum like erasing out sketch marks, but i know i wasn't just a sketch or blip in your life, so then maybe i should start thinking that this is the only way forward you understand, and just accept it, because i too have long since moved on.

PS. but really, happy birthday storable text at least (we'll be on the same side of the country), not some hesitant voice message in my inbox like last year, please.

2008-08-14T23:54:00.003+08:00

all blurring together now, the days. looking through foggy glass. molten candle wax. warm. burning. let go. i'll solidify somewhere else, and in the mean time i'll just be volatile, because i have to be. how else would you expect me to disappear?

i'll be fireworks, the shimmering kind - explode and fade away twinkling. i hope i lit up your life for awhile. it was my every intention to. just pretend to be happy to see me when i'm back again for awhile. i know its annoying readjusting your life. coming. going. hello. later. but never goodbye.

7 days to orbit

2008-08-14T13:05:00.002+08:00

inner-seething frustrations are perhaps better than fully blown bitchy tirades. the things i say astound me. the things i do, even after i've experienced the consequences, baffle me too. no more lectures, please? yes, i know better, yes i should have finished it already, no i'm not trying to test your patience, yes i appreciate everything you do for me.

-

the height of superficiality yesterday was.. off the scale. there really are so many better things to do in life than:

watch semi-drunk to pissed drunk girls and boys stumble onto the pavement and then fall onto the asphalt.

get annoyed by boys who think dancing with girlfriend = draping themselves across said girlfriends' shoulders like sweater while trying to wiggle their hips.

smile at people you really rather not be smiling at because you really rather not have gone in the first place.

forget people's names and smile while they talk to you and then stupidly decide to introduce your friends to umm... wait give me a moment.

stare at fifty year old men holding hands with women young enough to be their daughters.

wonder what it would be like if the student body in university dressed up like clubbers then wonder about trade offs between atas ridiculous and moose print sweat pants + crocs.

escape from unpleasant situations by going to the hot dog stand and return with hot dog on stick when said unpleasantness is over.

make promises you'd rather not keep the next day.

be amused by old gay men signing people in and waving with disapproval at someone who tried to follow the troopers through the doors.

be happy when supper with many cans of barley is in the cards.

2008-08-11T23:39:00.002+08:00

awesome music with awesome lyrics from awesome person (:

2008-08-11T10:20:00.000+08:00

wtf lah, i can't deal with this.

11 days to orbit

2008-08-11T01:08:00.000+08:00

so, about what i'd like for my birthday..

2008-08-10T19:02:00.004+08:00

i experienced an emotional dip today which is about time considering all that hypomania that 've been feeling. i know that my hyper-social behavior of late isn't sustainable and there will be a point in time where i'd want to sit on my bed and not move for a little while, but it hasn't happened yet.

i was thinking about the concept of time today, just randomly because i keep these thoughts like toys on a back shelf and take them out to play, sometimes, when my mind is unoccupied, or when it is necessary to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks. so i considered time, and i just thought about how time isn't real, its relative. it really is, just a decision that a group of people sitting around a round table (possibly, would you consider a square one? didn't think so) at Geneva made up ages ago. i just thought how it was interesting that different periods of times are given names. you know, like minutes, seconds, years, and how interesting it would be if there was an international swap unit time day so that you could really tell somebody: i was waiting outiside for you for seven years, and actually mean it.

pointless really, but fun, and definitely much better than thinking about visas and packing and my guestlist. i think i would honestly shoot the next person that tells me: eh j, how about ask ______ to come?

12 places. FULL. very difficult to comprehend is it? why, because 12 is more than the number of fingers and thumbs on your hands right. aiyar, use toes lah.

12 days to orbit

2008-08-09T13:33:00.004+08:00

things i muse about telling people,
but i haven't grown the balls to
or i just feel like it for amusement.

i like how you ask me for opinions about every single one of your dates, despite how my opinion has absolutely no bearing on your choices, but still, its nice that you ask anyway.

-

why do you think that you are so important to me that i should have to bump somebody, some other body i have known for the greater half of my life, off my guest list for you, somebody who i know barely, and who i, at this moment, like much less.

-

when you're done being self-indulgent and stop thinking its even remotely okay to call at six in the morning (you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't i that picked up the phone) perhaps i might feel sorry for you.

-

your words are as empty and as glaring as crushed beer cans by the shore.

-

don't say you will and then give me hell because you feel obligated to.

-

i know you are different, both of you, and i forget sometimes how envious others must have been of you both when you were younger. just looking at pictures and the way both of you look so much in love and how even now, you still hold hands when you go out, makes me wish that in this lifetime i find somebody who is as awesome for me as daddy is for you, but minus the anger management issues.

-

GROW UP.

-

so you tell me how exactly are we related again?
complementary, complementary lah!
so cute that one.

-

13 days to orbit.

2008-08-08T17:03:00.003+08:00

perhaps later on when i have a moment, i'll regret what i said to you, but honestly, i doubt it. has that much time spanned in the middle of then and now such that i completely and utterly do not recognize you anymore? have you changed so much or have i changed so much that whatever connection we used to have is but fraying wires, crossed, barely hanging onto old telephone poles that used to be my gold standard of communication . hell, i knew every one of your looks; and i could tell you what mood you were in and what was bothering you - in general mostly. look at us now. all we have is the past, and that's fine by me, because yes i know people change, and yes i know we haven't kept in touch, but seriously, that much? so much that i don't even want to have anything more to do with you?

just a little geography lesson, holland and amsterdam are not interchangeable. god you can be so condescending most times, and its funny when you're just dead wrong. your tone and that kind of attitude was acceptable then, but no longer. grow up.

2008-08-06T00:30:00.008+08:00

too indulgent.